Hi.
How have you been?
Sorry it's been so long since I checked in, but I've been busy. We've got this new episodic ebook series out called Outpost. The first season is almost in the bag, with the Season Finale this Thursday. But soon after we'll have the entire first season out in a box set with some damn cool special features. Thanks, we worked pretty hard on it. Trying to get a new Damien Wright book out, but the bastard's been dragging his feet. So, yeah, how about you?
I'm sorry?
No, I get it, it's been a long time. I wasn't looking for a fucking guilt trip. Jesus. I just checked in to say Hi and talk about something I'm passionate about:
It's called Let Stupid People Die.
Every summer here starts the same. The Parker Float. This is where tens of thousands of people get together, get in the water, get drunk and float for a few hours. And every year (basically) some asshole gets himself drowned. And every year (basically) it's the same story: John Q. Dumbass went on the float. Got trashed. Decided to swim across the river - the Colorado Fucking River - to see some of his friends over there. Yeah. Smart. Did he where a life jacket? Of course not. Only sailors where life jackets, baby. His flotation device of choice is a premixed bag of margaritas.
I have nothing against premixed margaritas, please understand, but when I'm in the middle of the Colorado Fucking River and I'm drowning more fluid would seem to me to be a bit redundant.
And then we get the news stories. Everyone ringing their hands: "Oh, poor, poor thing. You know he had kids? A wife and four kids. Poor, poor family, now without a father. Why do we do this every year when people keep dying?"
My response is always the same: "Shit! He had four fucking kids? Couldn't he have done the world a solid and died before having kids? Now we're going to have to deal with their stupid asses and then their kids and so on. One day, I'm going to driving down the road, and I'm going to see some fucking retard driving the wrong way on the highway and say 'What a fucking idiot!' and it's going to be his little carpet munchers, all grown up."
It's like a fucking plague of stupidity, and it's spreading like wild fire. And we encourage this. We legislate for it. We spend millions of dollars every year on warnings and ad campaigns: "Make sure little Joey wears his helmet. That's a choking hazard. Oh, that toy has lead paint!"
There was a time when people believed in Natural Selection. If the parent was dumb enough to give the kid - who sticks everything in his mouth - a marble the size of a jaw breaker, when the little shit choked to death we all sighed a collective sigh of relief: "That fucker shouldn't have had kids anyway. We just got saved from seventy years of dealing with that little moron."
Now the parents sue, and the company goes out of business. And then no other idiot's children die, and then twenty years later one of them makes a left from the right lane and takes out a family of brain surgeons. And then everyone says "Oh, what a terrible, tragic accident..."
It wasn't an accident, it was an act of God. It was God or Allah or Mother fucking Nature or whoever reminding us that we really never needed that vapid waste of fucking space anyway. That's why I don't see why abortions cost money. If the person has enough money to pay for an abortion, they're doing something right. Rich people do something to get that way. In fact, the way it should be is: if you can afford an abortion, you can't have one. Only poor people get to kill their kids. Poor people do something to get that way, too. The world doesn't need less rich people. They should be passing out birth control to poor people like fucking skittles. I'm not arguing against upward mobility, I'm saying: once they make it out of the ghetto, take the birth control away. They're keepers. Every pregnancy test should be accompanied by an IQ Test.
If you fail either, we have a problem.
Clear out the stragglers.
Trim the fat.
And, for fuck's sake, if we mess up and let one be born: Please, Let Stupid People Die...
How have you been?
Sorry it's been so long since I checked in, but I've been busy. We've got this new episodic ebook series out called Outpost. The first season is almost in the bag, with the Season Finale this Thursday. But soon after we'll have the entire first season out in a box set with some damn cool special features. Thanks, we worked pretty hard on it. Trying to get a new Damien Wright book out, but the bastard's been dragging his feet. So, yeah, how about you?
I'm sorry?
No, I get it, it's been a long time. I wasn't looking for a fucking guilt trip. Jesus. I just checked in to say Hi and talk about something I'm passionate about:
It's called Let Stupid People Die.
Every summer here starts the same. The Parker Float. This is where tens of thousands of people get together, get in the water, get drunk and float for a few hours. And every year (basically) some asshole gets himself drowned. And every year (basically) it's the same story: John Q. Dumbass went on the float. Got trashed. Decided to swim across the river - the Colorado Fucking River - to see some of his friends over there. Yeah. Smart. Did he where a life jacket? Of course not. Only sailors where life jackets, baby. His flotation device of choice is a premixed bag of margaritas.
I have nothing against premixed margaritas, please understand, but when I'm in the middle of the Colorado Fucking River and I'm drowning more fluid would seem to me to be a bit redundant.
And then we get the news stories. Everyone ringing their hands: "Oh, poor, poor thing. You know he had kids? A wife and four kids. Poor, poor family, now without a father. Why do we do this every year when people keep dying?"
My response is always the same: "Shit! He had four fucking kids? Couldn't he have done the world a solid and died before having kids? Now we're going to have to deal with their stupid asses and then their kids and so on. One day, I'm going to driving down the road, and I'm going to see some fucking retard driving the wrong way on the highway and say 'What a fucking idiot!' and it's going to be his little carpet munchers, all grown up."
It's like a fucking plague of stupidity, and it's spreading like wild fire. And we encourage this. We legislate for it. We spend millions of dollars every year on warnings and ad campaigns: "Make sure little Joey wears his helmet. That's a choking hazard. Oh, that toy has lead paint!"
There was a time when people believed in Natural Selection. If the parent was dumb enough to give the kid - who sticks everything in his mouth - a marble the size of a jaw breaker, when the little shit choked to death we all sighed a collective sigh of relief: "That fucker shouldn't have had kids anyway. We just got saved from seventy years of dealing with that little moron."
Now the parents sue, and the company goes out of business. And then no other idiot's children die, and then twenty years later one of them makes a left from the right lane and takes out a family of brain surgeons. And then everyone says "Oh, what a terrible, tragic accident..."
It wasn't an accident, it was an act of God. It was God or Allah or Mother fucking Nature or whoever reminding us that we really never needed that vapid waste of fucking space anyway. That's why I don't see why abortions cost money. If the person has enough money to pay for an abortion, they're doing something right. Rich people do something to get that way. In fact, the way it should be is: if you can afford an abortion, you can't have one. Only poor people get to kill their kids. Poor people do something to get that way, too. The world doesn't need less rich people. They should be passing out birth control to poor people like fucking skittles. I'm not arguing against upward mobility, I'm saying: once they make it out of the ghetto, take the birth control away. They're keepers. Every pregnancy test should be accompanied by an IQ Test.
If you fail either, we have a problem.
Clear out the stragglers.
Trim the fat.
And, for fuck's sake, if we mess up and let one be born: Please, Let Stupid People Die...
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