Tuesday, October 30, 2012

What to Do When a Disaster Hits

Hurricane Sandy is yet another reminder of just how close to total zombie-collapse we are as a nation.  A simple storm has knocked out much of what we as Americans rely on to survive.  And so, we at Finnean Nilsen Projects have the seven things you need to remember when the world ends:
7.  Old habits don't die, they kill.
No more smoking, drinking, and jacking off.  There's no time for that now.  Heroin addiction?  Read: Sedated when torn apart.  Alcoholic?  We'll see how long that "disease" lasts when you have to be able to run in a straight line for an hour without falling over.  Smoker?  That just means you'll die out of breath.  Weakness will not be tolerated.  Victims do not receive a check in the mail.  Victims die.  Only the strong survive.
 6.  Canned food saves lives.
Forget everything you read about how the aluminum in canned foods is hazardous.  The simple fact is: if canned food was so terrible it never would have been invented.  Canned food lasts, and it lasts a long time.  You have to think long term now.  Sure, that organic turkey bacon probably keeps you thin and keeps the arteries from clogging, but you might want them at least a bit clogged now, in case some creeper happens to open one up on you.  Less blood flow means less blood loss.  And, when the dam breaks down and the refrigeration ends, what the hell do you think you'll be left with?  Canned foods.  Eat it and like it.
5.  It's never too late to say Yes.
Even if its never said, it still counts.  The world has ended, and the human race needs to survive.  So, it's important that everyone does their part in seeing that it does.  Things like attraction and love, shit like that, don't count anymore.  It is of utmost importance that you knock up every female you find in your travels.  Then you leave.  See rule number 4.
4.  You have no friends.
The people you used to know and love are gone, and if they are still alive they can't help you.  If you find them, they will most likely become an albatross you'll need to rid yourself of.  Remember, every living, breathing person requires food and water to survive.  Those are the same things you will need to survive.  I don't care how much you think you love your kids, you survived all your life before they were born, and you can live without them now.  Besides, if they're meant to survive, they'll survive.  That's why it's called Survival of the Fittest.  And when this shit has blown over, if they didn't make it, you can just make a few more of them.  Stronger ones this time.  See rule number 5.
3.  Violence is always the answer.
With the loss of any civil society, the important thing is to shoot first, shoot second, shoot some more, and then when everyone but you is dead, ask: "Is there anything these dead bodies have that I may need?"  Then take whatever you can carry and leave the corpses for the birds.  Literally.  Unless your hungry, in which case you might take the time to build a fire and eat up.  They won't mind, they're already fucking dead.  But who isn't?  You.  The important thing is to keep it that way.
2.  Don't be a hero.
You remember that guy that won the Medal of Freedom for saving ten people from a burning building?  No. You don't.  Why?  Because he's fucking dead, that's why.  No one is worth saving but yourself.  See rules 3 and 4.
1. Morals are for amateurs.
You might be seeing a theme here: Survive.  It doesn't matter if you have to do something that will follow you to the grave, so long as whatever it was keeps you away from the grave for another split second.  No one is going to judge you, because no one will be alive who hasn't done some nasty shit to stay that way.

But, most importantly, stay the fuck away from us.  For your own safety.  Because every one of us will be employing these rules, which means if you get anywhere near us you will be robbed, raped, killed and eaten. But guess who won't be?
This guy...

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Happy Halloween

We often give our opinion on things (notice how I didn't say "People often ask our opinion on things") and with Halloween just around the corner, the instinct was to come on here and rail against the yearly holly roller reminding us that this is a pagan holiday and the work of the devil!
Luckily, I put the fucking kibosh on that shit right away.  Halloween is all about fun, and there's nothing more fun than some never-before-released zombie killing action from the world of Outpost.  And so, for your enjoyment, here is the charming coming of age story of Lance:

It seems the story of Lance is not going to be posted here because once we started hashing out the idea for the short story, we realized it's too long (ten pages and just getting started).  So... No spooky story for Halloween.  This is the problem with being writers: sometimes a story starts short and lasts a long time.  The good news is: Setting aside Outpost Season Two and Camp 417 and a tentative offshoot currently called the Island in our minds, we now have another installment that will be taking place in the Outpost World.  So, there you have it.  I don't know why I'm typing this, we have work to do...

... Oh yeah: Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 12, 2012

"It's the Havasu Zombie Pub Crawl"

No, really, it is.  And unfortunately, we're going to miss it this year.  Scheduling conflicts, you understand.  But that doesn't mean we're not celebrating.  Starting today, the Outpost Pilot Episode will be free for four days.  Totally free.  Seriously, no charge at all.  Nothing.  Free (our second favorite four letter word starting with F).  We're not kidding.  Just click on the title.  You'll see.  Just one click.  Do it.  I dare you...