Sex Sells, and a Rant About Ugly People

Let's start with the ugly people, because this is something I know a thing or two about. Why are you all chuckling? No, I'm not fucking ugly, thank you very much. I happen to be pretty attractive, if you're into short, unsuccessful single dad's with an illegitimate child and more bills than income....
Right.
So, ugly people. What brought this to my attention (the apparent plague of ugliness, and no I'm not talking about Lady Gaga) was this article by the New York Times that makes the case that we should protect the ugly from discrimination under the Americans With Disabilities Act. It's not their fault, they were "Born This Way" (okay, this time I am talking about Lady Gaga).
This is by far the most idiotic thing to come down the pike since obese people were told they were technically disabled, and therefor should not have to walk the extra twenty feet for their Whopper. I mean, really? "Being attractive also helps you earn more money, find a higher-earning spouse (and one who looks better, too!) [sic] and get better deals on mortgages. Each of these facts has been demonstrated over the past 20 years by many economists and other researchers."
Well, there you have it! Fuck paying that lousy six percent on your mortgage! Beautiful people don't have to pay interest, why should you! See, only pretty women ever get jobs. And men, well men: "Beauty is as much an issue for men as for women." Is it really? Okay, maybe it is. Let's do some, really really quick, research. I'm going to list off, in order, the top richest cilebrities of 2011. Read along if you'd like. Ready? Go!
1. Oprah (fat and ugly - in my opinon)
2. U-2 (obviously gay)
3. Tyler Perry (really?)
4. Bon Jovi (annoying, and gay and ugly and anything else I can throw at this Jersey Shore fucking wanna-be)
5. Jerry Bruckheimer (good movies, hideous looking devil)
6. Steven Spielberg (awesome movies, well, used to be. Not bad looking, I guess, but not what I would call "beautiful" either)
7. Elton John (can't hate the guy, sorry)
8. Lady Gaga (no. Fucking NO!! She is NOT attractive! I would fuck nearly anything, and I'd prefer a nice cold corpse to this psychotic whore)
9. Simon Cowell (fine, *shrug* maybe)
(now we come to the good ones)
10. James Patterson (guess how much... just guess. $84 million, this year! I'm sure they figured that in to their statistics)
11. Phil McGraw (really?)
12. Leonardo Dicaprio (okay, gay moment, the guy is fucking cool as shit and can act his ass off)
13. Howard Stern (need I say more?)
and I'm gonna end it there, cuz'n I made my point. Ugly people! Get off your fucking ass's, work, buy some nicer clothes, and get used to the oldest maxim in the book: Money is sexy.
Are we done?
Yes, on that note. Now, the Sex Sells part, which is the other side of the proverbial coin. Money is sexy, but sexy is money. And for some reason, Americans can't admit that to themselves or each other.
Finnean Nilsen Projects first book - Fist Full of Brunettes, written by a drunkard and sex fiend by the name of Bill Pryst, is unarguably literary porn. I'm not blushing, I don't care. What's wrong with that? Why does everyone seem so disgusted?
Are we reaching out to Penthouse to shoot it as a film? Yes.
Are a hundred and twenty pages out of a hundred and eighty sex scenes? Give or take.
And?
So what?
What the hell is so wrong with sex? My sister picks up the book, reads a page and calls me: "What the heck is this?"
"What?"
"This book. Why would you want to be associated with this trash?"
"Um... Why not?"
"It's the most disgusting thing I've ever read. I can't believe, I'm so embarrassed, that my brother would want to read something like this! Would have thoughts like this in his head!"
And I didn't ask what she thought her husband thinks about. I didn't ask how the fuck they conceived their children if she was still a virgin. Why? Because it's not for me to ask such questions. I let her rant, explained that a great many books are just as explicit, and hung up after reminding her she had little say in what I chose to do with my life.
My dad:
"Would you want your grandfather to read this book?"
I thought for a moment. "I don't see why the fuck not. He had seven kids, I think he gets the idea."
And on and on and on!! It's silly. It makes no sense. We can have graphic violence on TV all day, and very little is said. Tonight I can't wait to watch Hobo with a Shotgun, a film I was assured was so full of gore they literally become torrents of blood. Can't fucking wait. But on the same token, I love Spartacus Blood in the Sand. Is there sex? Yes, lots of it, as much as they could pack into an hour program.
And?
Here's the deal: I like sex. Everyone does (whether they admit it or not). Not everyone likes violence. There's a simple way to say this.
Violence is only fun when it's not happening to you.
Sex is only fun when it is happening to you.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, wouldn't it be nice to have a little more sex, and a little less violence?
Now I'm off to watch my ultra-violent movie, and after it I'll pound down a good-old-fashioned adventure story, with plenty of sex on the side. Because I like my violence, but I love my sex...