Thursday, August 25, 2011

Your Call is Very Important to Us

First of all, no it's not. I wish I could record one of those for my ringtone when you call me:
"Hello, this is Finn, your call is not very important to me, or I would have answered it already, but if you hold on I'll get to you at my earliest convenience."
I called blockbuster last night because my dvd was scratched to shit and wouldn't play, and what do I get? "We're sorry, all of our agents are currently busy." I'm not going to argue with terming a bunch of minimum wage workers sitting in cubicles "agents" (the woman who helped me was very sweet, and I really liked her as a person) but is there that huge of a demand? At any given moment is there just a rash of fucking people calling to report scratched disks? And I get it that people are stupid, but do you really have to explain to me how to clean a dvd while I'm on hold? Don't you think I tried? Is the average person so dull that they would rather sit on hold for twenty minutes than take out some Windex and wipe the thing off?
Okay that's a Yes on that last question. People are the dumbest animals alive. I knew a tech guy, he told me the average call to him was fixed when he asked them if the computer was plugged in. "Oh, look at that, nope, thanks."
The problem is the answer is No to the others. I'm sure there's a lot of people calling, I'm also sure they could handle the volume if they hired a few more people. Instead, they assume (correctly) that people have just gotten used to waiting on hold when dealing with businesses (no joke, I've had a business call me and put me on hold. *ring* "Hello?" pause, "Hello, all of our representatives are currently busy helping other customers...").
But that's an increasingly large problem in this country. I recently spent two thousand bucks on a service, and the rep I spoke to before I spent the money said "Anytime you have questions, here's my number, just call." Of course, when I call, I get the classic "Your call is very important to us."
What if other things worked like that? What if you called 9-1-1 and said "Someone help! My husband's just been shot!" And the reply was "We're sorry, all of our officers are currently assisting other citizens, please stay on the line and your emergency will be dealt with in the order it was received. While you're waiting, please ensure that this is in fact an emergency. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Are you or someone you know gravely injured?
2. Are you or someone you know in immediate risk of being injured?
3. Are you or someone you know committing a crime, or have you seen someone committing a crime?
4. Is there a white male acting in a suspicious way that you think may be associated with terrorism? If You See Something, Say Something.
5. Is there a fire or flood in your area?
6. If you are calling because you are about to enter a flooded wash, Turn Around Don't Drown.
7. Has your erection lasted over four hours?
8. Did a fast food restaurant not alert you to the fat content in their food?
9. Have you or someone you know ingested a poisonous liquid? Drain-o? Bleach?
For quality control purposes your call may be recorded.
Hello, and thank you for calling 9-1-1, how may I assist you?"
"My husband's bleeding to death!"
"Well, ma'am, just give me a moment and I'll see what I can do to remedy this situation." *tap tap tappedy tap* "Okay, and where are you located ma'am?"
"In Los Angeles."
"Oh, dear, you've called the Oakland office, let me just transfer you to the Los Angeles office."
"But..."
"Thank you for calling 9-1-1, your emergency is very important to us...."
You get the idea. How well do you think that would work out? And then they do ads on there, like the phone company does:
"Did you know that 9-1-1 is now digital? Just one of the ways we're working for you."
Or:
"Do you have more than twelve emergencies a month? Ask your representative for frequent fall discounts, elusively through 9-1-1."
All I'm saying is, for Blockbuster: Put a box on your website, where the customer can type in the number on the disk and say it's damaged, or put a button on the kiosk "Return Damaged Disk" and I'll punch it and put the fucking thing in and be done with it. I don't want my lovely "agent" from last night to lose her job, but it would be far more effective. Or, you go the web chat way, where you can have one person helping five customers simultaneously. But don't tell me my call is important to you if you're not going to answer it. Because it pisses me off.
And for the rest of us: fuck renting movies, go out and buy a good book, like Fist Full of Brunettes and put your feet up, turn off the phone, tell the kids to make their own damn dinner, and enjoy yourself. Because nowadays we need something we can hold on to, something tangible that won't crash, like a good old fashion book.
And, of course, your readership is very important to us...

1 comment:

  1. Hey this comments has really nothing to do with the post (loved it, agree with it, yada yada ...)

    But I'm late getting here because for some reason your feed isn't showing on my blog roll ... WTF is that? Is there a number I can call ???

    ;-)

    PMT
    http://thisthatthetherone.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete